What’s really going on when you’re attracted to someone? We’ve already touched on this in an earlier chapter, when I wrote about the infatuation phase. Remember, this is when you see only one side of a person: the positive traits, the potential for a happily ever after. You don’t even notice that her feet stink or that he scratches his butt. No, she’s Cinderella, and he’s Prince Charming–for now. Your body chemistry only heightens the whole lopsided process, giving you regular doses of dopamine, a hormone that mimics the effects of cocaine, such as energy boosts, appetite suppression, heart palpitations, accelerated breathing, hyperactivity, and insomnia. Romantics say, “I love him/her so much I can’t eat, sleep, or think straight.” That’s the dope talking. And dopamine triggers testosterone, which means sex drive goes up, and soon enough, you’re making like bunnies.

No doubt, sex drive is partly chemical and hormonal, but it’s also psychological and energetic. As I mentioned earlier in this book, partners in a relationship become more susceptible to outside interests when they stop honoring one another’s values. It’s as if a periscope goes up, out of the relationship, to scan the horizon. And men, because of their naturally higher levels of testosterone, put that periscope up more often than women.

This isn’t to say that men are significantly more likely to stray than women; I think it may actually be nearly even-Steven (or even-Stephanie). It’s just that men probably consider their options more often. Statistics on the rates of infidelity are suspect, because there’s no way to gauge the honesty of the respondents to a survey. Some people might deny activity of which they’re ashamed or brag about something that never happened.

Yet here’s something to consider. The Associated Press reported in the late 1990s that 22 per cent of men and 14 per cent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past; 70 per cent of married women and 54 per cent of married men didn’t know about their spouses’ extramarital activity; and 17 per cent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.
Interestingly enough, a man’s testosterone goes up or down, too, inversely proportionate with the attachment he feels in his relationship. In other words, the more attached he feels to his partner or family, the lower his testosterone levels. Right after orgasm, a man experiences a surge of vasopressin, which is thought to depress testosterone. Also, a new father’s testosterone declines immediately when his child is born. In fact, a man’s testosterone drops when he just holds a baby: Those parental, caretaking feelings drop this hormone level.

Does this mean that the more attached a man is to his partner and family, the lower his testosterone levels are and, therefore, the lower his sex drive is, so the less likely he is to put up his periscope? Bingo. And what creates attachment? The more he feels his values are being honored and fulfilled in the relationship, the less he feels the need to look elsewhere. Both his psychology and his chemistry support this. What creates a similar effect in women? Getting her values honored, of course. Plus sexual fulfillment, specifically orgasm, and also nursing a child, both of which trigger release of a hormone called oxytocin, the female counterpart to vasopressin.

But don’t confuse attachment and its hormones with some kind of magic bullet for fidelity. Where polyamory (loving more than one) isn’t restricted by cultural barriers, or in couples who choose not to conform to cultural norms, it’s more openly expressed. Although “open” relationships have their own challenges, they’re not inherently “worse” (or “better”) than “closed” relationships. Relationships can take a myriad of forms, all of which are valid and potentially viable.
Since many of this book’s readers will, I assume, be interested in what creates monogamous relationships, and since this often proves to be a highly challenging aspect of marriage, it’s definitely worth taking some time to understand what influences people to be monogamous or not.

Let me just state it plainly: No one will remain sexually “faithful” unless it fits in with their own values hierarchy. In other words, there’s no such thing as being faithful to this woman or that man, only to one’s own values. Because everyone has a complementary set of opposite traits or personas, you’ll find that everyone will be more trustworthy in relationship to their higher values and more untrustworthy in relationship to their lower values. Realise that the experience of betrayal is half of every relationship, because people live according to their values, not yours.

So, if such values as monogamous marriage and relationship stability are high on the list, then sexual fidelity may result. Or if family ranks higher than a variety of sexual partners, and your mate is unwilling to nurture a family with you while you have sex with other people, then you’ll do your best to honor the higher value—but you might not always follow through. It’s also possible you might choose to pursue both values and not tell your mate. That’s a recipe for so-called dishonesty and affairs, when a person is being true to their own values but presenting a facade to preserve a partner’s fantasy.

If you’d rather not play the game of propping up one another’s fantasies and then getting “disappointed, devastated, or dumped,” and you’d prefer to get to the heart of love in your relationship, find out what’s important to your partner and don’t try to project your ideals onto him or her. You’re wise to pay attention, both to what a person says and to what the person does. You’re wise, when you’re just getting to know someone, not to slather him or her in your own fantasies about relationships, but instead to really understand and honor that person’s values.

How do you do this? First and foremost, make it advantageous for the other person to be honest with you, because that’s the only circumstance under which someone will be honest with you. In other words, practice hearing someone else’s truth without expressing your judgments about whether it’s “good” or “bad” (that is, whether it matches or mismatches your own values) and without trying to punish or reward someone else for specific values. You can do this by using The Demartini Method to defuse whatever charges you have on this person, positive or negative. Please understand that people will be honest only when they perceive more advantages than disadvantages in doing so according to their values. And they will be dishonest when they perceive more advantages than disadvantages in doing so. People are both honest and dishonest in different settings, though most people will imagine themselves as only one, honest, and disown their other part.

For more information on Dr John Demartini and ‘The Heart of Love’ (Hay House rrp $24.95) visit

www. global1training.com or call 1300 883 842.